The Letter From No One
by treesofsilverleaves
Summary: Warning: Mentions of suicide. Not my first depressing story, but first attempt at suicide. Hope I don't offend anyone. One-sided James/OC, James/Lily. UPDATE: Second chapter is the rewrite, hopefully depicts things a lot more realistically.
1. Original

_James-_

_If you're reading this, then I'm gone. Gone, not as in snow in summer only to return in winter, but gone forever. I've left this world, and I've left you._

_There are so many things I should tell you. Things I want to tell you. I don't want to spoil your happiness, but I have to tell you. I wouldn't be able to leave if you'd never know._

_I love you. God, I love you so much, I loved you so much. I've loved you since third year, or perhaps longer, I've always had a crush on you. You were just so perfect, for all your faults._

_You never looked at me, though. Lily was always the one for you, the two of you are written in the stars. Ever since first year it was Lily this and Lily that, and I always hated her for it – for making you love her and then breaking your heart. For crushing mine._

_Do you remember that time in fifth year, James? Right before you ruined Lily and Snape's friendship, right before OWLs, right before you started loving Lily all the more. It was after curfew, but I was out anyway, sitting on the cold stone steps of the castle, watching the stars. I was cold, and shivered, and you put your cloak around me. I smile now, writing this, remembering how I jumped and squeaked, scared out of my mind. But you smiled at me, and I smiled back, and we sat there, watching the stars._

_I remember the moon seemed to glow brighter than it ever had before, and the stars shined all the more. It was heavenly, and as a single shooting star crossed the wondrous sky, I wished that that moment could have lasted forever. The next morning I was going to finally ask you out, but…_

_You probably don't remember what happened, but I do. That was probably our first fight. You were asking Sirius and Remus and even Peter for all sorts of advice about Lily at breakfast. I knew I couldn't ask you then, but I'd at last promised myself to do so, and resolved to in the future. Finally Sirius had enough, and asked why you didn't ask me, I was a girl of course. And you glanced at me and said, "But mates, she's different. Who's ever asked her out? Who's ever gonna?"_

_You were probably joking, the way you grinned told me that, but it didn't stop the tears springing to my eyes. "If I'm so terribly dull and ugly, I suppose you'd like me to leave? Who would ever want such a stupid girl as me for company, right?" I stood and ran from the Great Hall. We didn't speak for weeks, until long after the incident with Lily and Snape._

_It wasn't a very funny joke, James._

_But I loved you still. I could never stop loving you, and when Lily started to finally be more civil to you, I couldn't bear it. Because I knew that this was the year that you would finally achieve your goal of getting a date with her, and that my world would become miserable and meaningless and crumble down around me. I never thought it would be so bad that I would do this, but things have never worked out for me. You've always said I have the worst luck, James. You've never been wrong about that._

_I'll be dead by the time you read this, James. I won't be in a better place, for what place is perfect without love? But it will spare me from having to watch you and Lily go on to your three month anniversary in January, graduate, and then get married, and love each other more and more every day. I never wanted to die, and what a peculiar feeling it is. Yet I've felt it every day, every hour, every minute since you and Lily have gotten together. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've always hated Lily._

_I can't bring myself to hate her anymore. She makes you happy, James. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. And I know that you will be sad for a time, but it will be brief, and life will go on. You will forget me, James, loathe as I am to admit it. You will forget me and be happy and be with Lily, just as you've always wanted. Because you've never wanted me._

_Just know that I love you. There is no more reason to be embarrassed, no more reason to hide. I can shout it from the rooftops: I love James Potter! By the time they have the chance to laugh at me, I'll be gone, and you can forget I ever existed._

_-Aria Gianna Clarke_

_PS: My diary is in your trunk. When I leave this note for you I will put it there. (You may remember I've always had a way with locks, enchanted or not.) I no longer have need of it. Do as you wish._

_I love you._


	2. Rewrite

_James—_

_ If you're reading this, then I'm gone. And . . . oh god, my hand is shaking, I'm sorry . . . I don't know if I can do this. I don't know what to say. There are so many things, things I don't know how to put into words. I don't want to spoil your happiness, but you're my best friend. I have to at least say goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to everyone else, after all, and it wouldn't be right to leave you out._

_ God, I'm so selfish, aren't I? You're going to hate me. But this is for the best. I just hurt so much, nothing helps. I've been carrying this pain for a long time and I just want it to stop. I want it to __end__. So I'm going to make it end._

_ And before I go, I just want to make sure you know that I love you. No, not in a friend way, either. James Potter, I am completely and utterly, madly in love with you. I think I have been for years._

_ Of course, you never looked at me. Lily was always the one for you. The two of you are written in the fucking stars, and that's not even sarcasm. Ever since first year it was Lily this and Lily that, and I have to admit I always hated her for it. I guess being jealous is another thing to add to my long list of flaws._

_ I've been so stupid. I should have realized it would never happen after that time in fifth year – do you remember? It was probably a week or two before you ruined Lily and Snape's friendship, during breakfast. You were pestering the boys about Lily, as always, griping about how she never fell for your "charms," asking over and over what they thought you should do to get her attention. After only a few minutes of this Sirius had already had enough and pointed out that I was a girl, why didn't you ask me?_

_ And you glanced at me and waved your hand, almost like a dismissal. "But that's different," you said. "She's practically one of the guys!"_

_ I think maybe I did see it, looking at you then, but I didn't want to admit it. After all, I was a teenage girl who fancied herself in love with her best friend. Even if that comment did hurt – even if we didn't speak again until long after the incident with Lily and Snape – even if, forever after, I would have to force my smiles around you. I should have let myself move on, but I didn't._

_ It was stupid and selfish of me. I wished for something fantastic to hold onto in my dull existence, I thought that if I had you, I could be truly happy for the first time in forever. But you were never something I could have, you were never something to __be had__. I should have let go, but I didn't._

_You're my __best friend__. Of course I couldn't let you go._

_I don't know how to explain why I'm doing this, but just know that it's not for what I've admitted in this letter. I'm just – it's like I hurt all the way down to my bones. I haven't been happy in so long, I don't remember what it feels like. For years, all I've been doing is going through the motions of life, but not actually living. So what's the point in living? Why not escape the pain?_

_Of course, this is all just me being very selfish again. But I can't stand it any longer. So I'm ending it. You might be sad for a time, but it will be brief, and life will go on. You'll forget me, James, loathe as I am to admit it. You'll forget me and be happy. I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy. You'll be happy and be with Lily, just like you've always wanted. (Because you never wanted me.)_

_She makes you happy. So be happy._

_Just know that I love you. There's no more reason to be embarrassed, I don't have to hide it anymore. I can shout it from the rooftops: I love James Potter! By the time they have the chance to laugh at me, I'll be gone, and you can forget I ever existed. For the first time, I'll be the one with the last laugh._

_And please, don't show Mum and Dad. I don't want them blaming you. It's not your fault. It's my decision. It's my life. _

_Or at least, it was._

_Goodbye._

_Xx_


End file.
